Let me just start by welcoming you all. Today we’re visiting Moonee Ponds, so I want to thank you for joining the tour and if there’s anything at all that I can do to make your time with us more enjoyable, please don’t hesitate to write it on a fiver and pass it up to the front here.
[laughs and snorts at hilarity of ownself]
My name is Crystal and I will be your guide today through the wonderful little gem we call Moonee.
Now, our first (oh alright, our only) street today is Main Street.
Despite our fantastical name, the town is not what you city folk would call “hip or groovy”. Our population has held at a steady 12,000 since the late 1700s. Okay, that’s a lie. Moving On!
Now, if you care to look just over to your left, you’ll see our charming beauty parlour, where one can procure any number of painful and expensive procedures.
I highly recommend the full body wax. It hurts like a mo-fo, but you’re just so darn aerodynamic after! Why I cut nearly 18 seconds off my walk to the post office yesterday!
And now, next to charming Novita is our very own Vincent.
Vincent has no idea at all what his profession should be called and prefers to cover all the bases with appropriate signage.
Now over on your right, you’ll see we’re just coming up to Moonee Ponds’ most famous clothier–
Where a gentleman can find an array of burlap sacks to meet all his everyday dressing needs. (And might I say, this is also a very popular shop for the savvy scarecrows in town!) [more laughing and snorting at self]
Trust me. The less-than-average ones end up here.
[uproarious laughter and snorting ensues, much to the dismay of the tour folk]
Ahem….Well, that concludes our tour of the metropolis of Moonee Ponds. Thank you for joining us, we hope you’ve enjoyed the last three minutes. Please feel free to have a coffee at the shop just opposite the van as you exit. Be sure to mention this tour at the time of ordering and they’ll throw in a free squirt of Grand Marnier flavouring! You’d be a fool not to.
We hope to see you again real soon. Bye!
